Amygdala

An ex-colleague of mine who shall remain nameless is a master of mutilation when it comes to the English language. Here is a selection of his finest moments, many on the phone with important clients. If English is not your first language, then as well as apparently having something in common with him, you will also be as confused as he is.

We’re walking on thin water here.

I’ve been in and out like a jack-in-the-box.

They fucked themselves in the foot.

I like that shoulder pad (talking about a bag with a shoulder strap). 

You’re looking very official today (on the phone to Rene in Mexico). 

I’m breaking my brains today.

I’m full of this crap.

What an awful CV – it makes your eyes go all winky.

I’ve lost my diplomacy over the years.

They are all the same grain of fish.

They are really chasing my back.

It’s just deja-vu all over again.

It’s all panning along quite well.

Rene’s on top of the case.

What’s his Christian name (talking to an Egyptian (Muslim).

Hello, good afternoon, ******ey here…..(chuckle chuckle)…..all in three words…(chuckle). 

M was commenting on some mysterious mark on the side of the new magazine to which the reply was: “It’s not the f**cking x files Shaggy, it’s a magazine”.

It’s just weep-worthy.

My gut feeling says it smells right.

Long time no go.

That really takes the biscuit.

What I can see beneath the lines.

It’s a no-lose situation.

We’re going on the flying eye.

If you can’t join them, beat them.

I can see the Eurotunnel (whilst on the London Eye looking at Waterloo station).

Yes means no, basically.

They’re getting pretty heavy-footed in the Accounts department.

These ears have walls!

They’re a bundle of worms out there (referring to the Europeans).

Hey, where’s that thingie on the computer, what’s it called?  The Discovery Channel thing in Excel? (He was looking for Windows Explorer).

The trouble is that all your companies are run by Generals now (whilst speaking to Venezuela).

Your wish is my demand.

I’m getting broken orff…..Cable and Wireless are so f**king useless.

Nothing gained, nothing less.

I’ve gotta get on my arse.

…….Killed two stones with one bird.

 (Asking It why his Outlook memory was full)

IT guy: “You’re on 97 megs, your limit is 100”.

M: SO where are all my megs?

I’m gonna be late, I was arguing with the milkman at 2 in the morning.

I’m not exactly over-exuberating about those reps.

Oh…prat!  I just sent an email to myself!

You timed that like a glove.

Teaching an expert to suck eggs.

I’m having trouble keeping up with all the messages getting left, right and centre.

He has really got the bullet between his teeth at the moment.

This is the star trek enterprise.

I don’t need this like a lump of bloody Sundays.

You may not have noticed – but I don’t like to beat about the bush.

That band was playing like a death watch beetle.

She’s a bumped up little fart – oh, do I know her?

She should get off her high boots.

He’s so wet, he ought to wake up and grow some balls.

The trouble is she just wants everything written out on a plate.

I’m kicking myself in thefoot.

About a proposal “I’m sure that will tickle their arses”.

He needs to get his finger in gear.

Hello New York this is London calling.

He wants him to shake her guts.

Every excuse under the book.

You’ve almost got to do a charm offensive on that guy and wipe his pants for him.

Hands up, who likes the French?

You are so quick on the uptake and the phone you should be a cowboy in the wild-west.

If shit fires you don’t want to be held responsible.

It’s the last card in the book.

The organisation in this country is falling apart, we can’t even hold a bun fight.

Its people pissing on the floor who cannot aim straight.

I’ve got a really cool digit for charging my mobile phone.

While on the phone to the Minister of Finance in Jordan - he’s swimming I can tell he’s in a swimming pool.

You’re going to enter the gauntlet.

Oui, bonjour.  My French isn’t very good today.  Please can you speak English.

They’re mumming about it.

You really saved everyone’s garters with that one.

We’ve walked in on a can of worms there.

I think we are barking down the wrong wall.

Like a red rag to a bull in a china shop.

You’re looking a bit blankety blank there.

Ho ho ho ho ho green giant.

Wanga (meaning dick).

Like the pot calling the fucking thing black.

Its all got rather complicated since PAs were put in charge of things.

You need to give him a good kick - like a football player.

Those two Paraguayans…they’re illuminous…. (meaning elusive).

Maybe there’s a house nearby that’s full of foreign people…perhaps they are picking potatoes.

I don’t to waste time pissing in the bush.

 “Well they should all be rounded up and shot!”  - (about the elderly women in the village who were disappointed that M was putting up fencing at the front of his new house, as they would no longer be able to see the front flowers anymore).

 “I keep getting blurted with shit” (about the air-conditioning unit).

 “The worse thing is when people pee on the seats. Absolutely disgusting. It’s like the emerging markets.” (regarding the state of the company bathroom)

I’m breaking up….No you’re breaking up.

It’s as boring as ditch water.

Life is NOT full of surprises.

I lead you up the swanny all the time.

Apparently there is loads of dog-napping around. Lots of dogs are being nicked.

M: I think it’s discrimination that Men’s clothes are more expensive than Women’s.

Response: There is more cloth in men’s

M: That’s rubbish women have tits and things; think of that!

Life is one big bubble until it bursts.

I was talking 500:1 to the penny.

“[The email server being down] completely defeats the purpose of coming in early to make phone calls and get angry with people.”

M: [blah blah blah]…shoot some grouse.

Reply:  You mean those poor little innocent animals?

M:  Oh, just pretend that they’re foreigners coming in and invading the country.

He went away with a flea between his legs.